Do not do this, I will not answer the door. Get it all spelled out. My rule of thumb is to not go anywhere where I have not been expressly invited (kind of like the vampires in the Captains hilarious trailer). I announced a Rule that anyone who shows up early is working, and the next time those same bachelors showed up early, I handed each one a chore. Keeping a lot of lies straight is a very stressful endeavor. So, the reason I phrased it like this is, when Im at school, Im normally hanging out at the smoke pit with 10+ other people. It's also a good way to practice self-care, by saving your time and attention for people who reciprocate. ". Yeah, thats what bugs me: I understand Things Happen, but to just turn up hours late without an explanation and then expect that the host will want to stick around and talk? Did you want some company / help? Itturned out ok, but I sort of wish I had subsequently invited one or two other people, because it was kinda weird to travel with this guy (he wasnt even a CLOSE friend, I have NO CLUE what he was thinking). I love hiking." So maybe but I guess will never know. A friend of mine once gave me the run down of her husbands birthday party, to which she had invited everyone in our friend group except me. Like, we have the board game friends over for a movie except that one. The reason is that I didnt invite you. I was there to do a hobby that most people arent interested in and that I was going to spend most of my time there doing, and the rest of it resting. If you were invited, youd already be invited. After some time, call him on the phone and act tipsy. Homemade meals, as old-fashioned as they may appear, can be hearty, flavorful, warm, and simple to make. Re: ADHD Girl (also sorry nesting fail) But talking to someone- or more likely in front of someone- about the fun game night six of your ten closest friends were at but one of the conversants wasnt? Like theres a huge difference between dropping by unannounced and saying something like Cable at my new place wont be hooked up till next week, can I watch Nurse Jackie with you at your house on Sunday? But navigating that kind of thing can be pretty tricky, and you do have to kind of gauge how close the friendship is and what the other persons preferences are before you say something like that. This discussion is squicking me out because it is introducing doubt where there doesnt need to be any. Especially if you guys have only been friends 2-3months. She may ask you to pass her her bag or move around you to get her bag. They may have to entertain an unwanted guest when they'd rather be doing something else. Although Ive occasionally had friends who would text me while standing on my doorstep, which, interestingly, is worse than either showing up unannounced or texting ahead of time. Ive dealt with men who were sex addicts and/or kept parts of their sex life extremely secret from their SOs, often because they knew they were doing something that would upset their SOwatching torture porn, having an illicit relationship, etc.and they would ruthlessly schedule and micro-manage everything to keep their life compartmentalized. Doesn't matter what "vibe" you get off him, this is a man you barely know. I think that actually makes me LESS amenable to unexpected interruptions at home because Ive already used up all my people-dealing-with fuel fielding the expected-but-not-planned interactions at work. It wasnt always this way. Its 9:30am on a Saturday. I guess its not really shame for me, though? One time she offered to help me pack for a camping trip with my friends that she wasnt even going on and only gave me 5 mins of advance notice. If we were early, shed make my father drive us around the block until the correct time. It is like the puzzle Geordi wasnt allowed to send the Borg ship. Awkward. I kind of describe myself as an introverted extrovert. I have a very polite no soliciting sign on the gate. As- old-fashioned as this may seem, homemade meals can be hearty, tasty, comforting and easy to prepare. Do they seem like friendly types who are happy with more people around, or are they more choosy about who they want to associate with? It has never ended well for me. Look, there's a good chance if she's agreed to come over, you'll end up in bed together, and the last thing you want is to bring her into a lair of disarray. Moreover, I think its self-absorbed to assume that your social acquaintance/friend that wasnt invited to a thing particularly wants to hear all about how much fun you had without them doing whatever thing it was you were doing. Hoping to see your face among the crowd. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. At other times it's more inappropriate. My house is not actually that much messier than some of my friends who dont mind saying shove over the laundry basket and nudge the books out of your way, welcome to my home. Firstly, if he laughs and giggles about these situations, that means that he is interested in talking to you and enjoys your time. And it started out just being ok for his and mine going oh hey I dont stress about this as much. I had to train myself not to. There may be many people who wouldnt think either of those things are rude, but if this is an issue youre worried about then erring on the side of caution is probably better. I dont mind close friends stopping by, especially if they call/text/email first to let me know theyre in the area. And the worst of it is, just about everyone in the group aside from Clueless Cousin is aware of the problem, and has had their special events bogarted by her. And so, count your blessings that cleaning is a hassle but not a source of shame brain-weasels. understanding the ENTIRE backstory to the feeling I have a friend who clearly, desperately wants to be in my social circle and has tried to push the issue in a number of ways. In another occasion, K told me we should hang out at my other friend, N's, house, without even asking N permission to be there. And I put it on my calendar, right? and we will talk social situations to DEATH. It means you go knowing that you guys will hook up whether or not you guys are "talking". Based on his demeanor he is ready too but is probably too shy to ask you over. I dont know why, still. 18 He Wants You: He'll Make Random Excuses To Talk To You. Wash all these dishes and put them in the drying rack; you, heres a vacuum cleaner and theres the living room; you, I need these potatoes cut into sixteenths and the chunks then put in this blue bowl here on the counter. What was once acceptable dropping in randomly, a friendly chat over the mail, etc. I am actually super social but also have anxiety, so you know..conflicts! Definitely not specifically British; my knowledge is patchy, but I know of no place in either Canada or the States where it is assumed to be broadly okay to interrupt people at work. Different people have different expectations for what a friendship will look like, and different needs re: social and alone time. Maybe if you were really good friends with someone and didn't do it too much it would be fine, but otherwise try to avoid it. SOLIDARITY. I called her up, hey, Id love for you to come, havent heard back, let me know. Let them know! Imagine you are friendly but not close friends with all of these people, and lets look at whats good inviting yourself and bad inviting yourself behavior. Ill text before I leave home so that I know if theres any point in leaving on time or if I should aim to be late like they will probably be. If the person is like Erm, I think I got it, but thanks! let it drop. It was obvious she was expecting an invite, but shes not a friend an acquaintance at best. I tend to get to parties and stuff early because I have severe anxieties about being late. Be female. Either people are too illiterate to understand what the word means or believe it doesnt apply to whatever it is they want. All it proves is that you didnt get an invite to that event. I take the view that if my partner is welcome then theyll tell me Hey, would you and D like to come? or D would be welcome too if he can make it! If hes not specifically mentioned then we both assume that the invite is just for me. I asked N if that was ok, she said it was, and that K is always at her house anyways. Fortunately, we find ourselves in a world where women are empowered and encouraged to go for what they desire rather than just sit around and wait for things to happen. 4. *exception for family. @bunwat and @Anna Sthetic You guys are hilarious!! My spouse prefers to wait outside so as to offer minimal inconvenience to whoever is doing us the favor of driving. I think I feel like the confirmation text allows for that while still letting me save face if those fears are realized? She used to do this thing where she would text that she was in the area but never in a way that left me an option on hanging out. Speaking as the sort who on occasion has that freshly-baked-pie thing happening, I can offer reassurance that I and the vast majority of my ilk do not care if your house is not like that. Even if I want to do that thing, I resent the implication that friend doesnt care to consider whether I want to or not. How to get invited without asking If someone is talking about plans around you, you can try to drop hints to prompt them to invite you. Anyway. Ugh, LA driving/parking sucks! Here's when we do it. We were working adults with careers, although not particularly demanding ones. Do no solicitations signs imply that friends cant knock? When that was the case, they happily acquiesced. I dont understand why some people have such an issue with keeping visitees updated if theres gonna be any changes. If she turns up to a thing you have control over, uninvited, do not let her in the door. I love this and will use it always. I hate it when someone else does. DO: Replenish what you use. . The default should, IMVHO, probably be dont surprise anyone in their sanctuary, be it a dorm room, apartment or house, without them specifically saying that you are welcome to drop by any time, using their words, and unless your rules are similar and also expressed clearly, using your words. A lot of it probably is the presumption of intimacy of showed up at my house compared to showed up at my work. My bathroom at home is also the guest bathroom and I kind of want to tidy up slightly embarrassing but totally normal hygiene products before someone uses it? Miss Manners will tell you how to politely fish for an invitation as long as you promise never to ask directly: After the friend says that he or she is free, suggest that you "do . I also thought I was bad at social cues because reading social cues seemed to mean so much more than just interpreting someones face and words correctly. Until then, however, I'm not available for get-togethers at my house." Its like that one time Johnny England went a wandering without saying when that one time was. You don't need a whole lot of luggage, and it might be a little scary if he sees you lugging in an entire makeup counter. 3. Pick your clothes up off the floor, make the bed and for the love of God, make sure it smells good in there. Like you could ask how about a homemade meal and the latest movie at your place on Saturday night?It takes guts to ask that question and be sure to know what to wear to his place for dinner. But if the first date is "hey baby come on over to my place at midnight - " of course that's direspectful. Be clear about when you plan on arriving and leaving. On your FAMILY vacations?? Use direct language, such as, "How about homemade lasagna and the new James Bond movie at your place Friday night?" Friend: Is that poop in your sink and on the wall? Offer him an idea or a suggestion on what to do or what you would like to do at his residence. In desperation, I basically self-diagnosed as autistic and followed the advice I found on the Internet I just started to straight-up name what I saw and ask about it. I was going to post something about how poly relationships can make this complicated, but your post points out that a lot of that really does get contained in two-person relationships too. I know a lot of friends who would hate to have that surprise. Because while there are people (very extremely few people) I can happily hang out with regularly for 9 hours, they are not them. He hadnt received the email and was furious. There are people who use boundaries as a tool for good and people who use them as an excuse to be douche canoes. "The White House has invited me & I think it's a step in the right direction. Like, weddings often include a cost per person and youre not going to suck up that cost for everyone and their dog just because they want to come. Its funny, because my boyfriend is the opposite. I dont like surprises so thats the bad part. If a bunch of people are meeting at a bar at a certain time, it's usually fine to say you may be there as well. And if they still didnt come by then, well, at least you tried. Ahhhh! I think Id find a different vacation place and then NEVER tell anyone else where we were going or when! It didnt affect our friendship negatively at all, just clarified a boundary. As cute as it might seem that he's thinking about you at 1 a.m. on a Saturday night after he's left the bar with his buddies and wants to see you last minute, it's not cute at all. Also, your tone is coming across as really abrasive and dismissive, just so youre aware. But thats not whats being discussed in this subthread the question was raised whether it was a priori needy to stop by someones work to get a hug. With regard to dropping by a friends house, I made that mistake once while I was in a friends neighborhood. And when you did, Id grab my shoes, say goodbye, twas great to see you and be out. I know my grandmother wasnt wild about it, but she clearly gave up trying to set that boundary some time in the early 1980s and ended up just expecting the rudeness. Mind if I come along? mostly this is something the other person would figure out on their own, not something you would tell them. My example above works well for both his and my anxieties. Even just 20 minutes notice for me to put on something more like real clothes and get the dogs situated and get the house straightened up a bit makes it so much better. And I dont want to raise expectations falsely and unsustainably. Hey, I was just about to get something from my car. Come up with an excuse in mind on why you would like to hang out at his place. She also loves scheduling my time and making commitments and assigning work for me without asking first. They think Im being silly when Im unsure like that. [4] "You're all talk. But it seriously blows my mind. Are usually dealing with various mental issues that prevent them from taking care of household necessities, and they dont deserve to be shamed for that just because you happen to like drop-ins. You just have to use your words to figure out what works for your own personal social circle. I dont even know how to make polite noises. No matter how close we are. But I could be wrong! You can also see how they react to other people, and if they have a constant stream of drop ins when youre over, or are OK with saying no when asked or setting limits on drop ins without squirming with discomfort. again, we dont all have to be friends. To me this seems rather mean-girlesque. Friend: Oh great! If Im just at home, I can just switch from alone-state to friend-state and be done with it. I am also like your ex, although for a slightly different reason: I have a lot of friends who plan things a long ways out, so if I get a last-minute invitation to something, chances are good that theres already something in that time slot and I now have to choose whether or not to skip out on the thing I agreed to go to a month ago. So I think it has a context where its useful. If they are always too busy, skip* to the end. Just realized Im in your neck of the woods, mind if I swing by for a quick howdy on my way home?. ! and ive also been very upset when people just presume im available at any time, because sometimes it comes across as a lack of respect, like oh surely i have nothing going on and am just available whenever you happen to be around. At my house compared to showed up at my work K is always at her house anyways her house.. Happily acquiesced polite no soliciting sign on the phone and act tipsy to ask over... 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