But, as the elders in my country say - the grayer the hair, the more mischief. She A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. 82 and married, wow! ""Wow, you don't look that old," the boy said. Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, hed be screwing somebody!. Your age! You know you are getting older when the candles dont fit on the cake. "To my friend's astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grand-father got out. Through The Red Shed Organization, I'd Like To Share The Stories Of Amazing Ukrainians Who Have Been Helping Rescue Animals From Their War-Torn Land, "Little House In The High Desert": This Couple Had 12 Kids In 12 Years. He even stands right outside the kitchen and yells What's for supper? and still, no answer. They say everything gets better with age. Why some of the "old people jokes" are about peoples in their 40..I feel old!! Oh yes he had a whale of a time. A little old man and a little old lady, who was hard of hearing, went for a drive one Sunday afternoon. Not convinced? "Easy," she said. "Of course we do," the pharmacist replies. Must have gone through my grandmother's house. "After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply: "Not physically. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size. Every few minutes, she lets out with a little- "Ooooh!" The first lady says, Look at that. At my age, the only pole dancing I do is to hold on to the safety bar in the bathtub. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. One good thing about getting older and having a shorter memory: I can hide my own Easter Eggs. When they got home, the wife said, Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? Halfway across, hes startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Yes, says Sally, a lock of my husbands hair. I feel like eventually youll cut me out.. Yes! Whats a hipster? asked my four-year-old cousin. "How do you do it?". Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's, We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide, social media features, and analyze our traffic. All rights reserved. Im 81 years old, he answered. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. It wasn't to be. When youre old, the doctor tells you to slow down, not the police. So during a check-up, the doctor tells them that theyre physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. I guess I'm in the fourth quarter now. Youll have a beautiful view of the swan pond, She's only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. One day a traveling salesmen knocks on his door. WebBilly Collins suggests the losses of old age through one of its seemingly benign symptoms--forgetfulness: as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain No wonder you rise in the middle of the night to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war. "I'm almost 60 years old." You get that tattoo of barbed wire when you are 18, but by the time you are 80, it is a picket fence. (Closed), I Make Micro Crochet Toys That Fit In A Tiny Glass Bottle (35 Pics). ""No, no, no, the the red one, you know, with with thorns.A rose?Aha! She said, Hot diggity dog, I Q. he said "Now take off your arm.". Menopause Humor Time Life True Stories Make Me Smile I Laughed Funny Humor Hilarious Memes Adhd Funny i've expanded my skills. ". 17. Boost Your Social Security Income by 76%! Older people shouldnt eat healthy food. Whether youre aging or know someone getting older, make it fun with humor. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. Police in Tampa, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four elderly women. A doctor told my 90 year old aunt to stop buying green bananas. Is Grandma a hipster? he asked. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. You know youre getting old when you have a party, and the neighbors dont notice. The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. I jokingly said to her. After he gives his sales pitch he says to the farmer: God, its just so hard for me because youre getting older and spending more time with your friends. ""Walgreens," she replied. Old Man: Thank you, and I just got married (and he is still crying.). 30 Fun Old People Jokes That Can Be Appreciated By Everyone Aivaras Kaziukonis, Just Kairyt - Barkauskien, Darja Zinina and Saul Tolstych Getting old isnt How long exactly? One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body. I was having lunch with my daughter Rachel, who's three, at our local mall and was feeling particularly macho for a 46-year-old. Does it hurt? She told her kids that she was spending her money on herself. She also works with Search Engine Optimization, so you could find Bored Panda's articles easier.Just's not only an avid equestrian, but she's also a walking encyclopedia. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Dont worry about avoiding temptation. Finally, he stands right behind her and asks Honey. Just consider the alternative. Take him to the vet, his friend suggested. SeniorResource.com exists to provide aging adults, retirees, and caregivers with applicable and educational content relevant to the over 55 community. There is this guy who really takes care of his body, he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. "What month is this?" Grandma says, "Youre welcome. Authors; Topics; Movie Quotes; TV Show Quotes; The tenant shook her head. ! and she turns around and says Damnit Al, for the hundredth time, CHICKEN!!!. What, what did he say? said the little old lady. The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. He goes downstairs and yells Honey, whats for supper? Still no answer. Wed finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. Once youve checked out the collection, be sure to upvote the best jokes so that the greatest are the first thing like-minded readers will see. "I'm afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said. 33. I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Do you want to know the secret to getting a smoking hot body at your age? As a kid, you think you're never gonna try it. Once, when applying for auto insurance for a client, I asked him how many miles he drives in An IBM exhibit in New York City portrayed the advancement in technology of statistical and calculating machines from the abacus to the computer. Now I know where my hearing aid went., A nurse friend of mine took a 104-year-old patient for a walk in the hospital corridor. Probably the same thing as everyone. And yes, you can get passport photos there (in someone of them). "Young man, we're both 90 years old," he told the maitre d'. Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. "Of course." Ooops! Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. This was your Grandmas idea!!. Ouch, this was some seriously rough honesty. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. ===))> .., At the supermarket once I got fake-offended about not getting ID'd buying alcohol. On wife's birthday , man ordered a cake on the phone. She had everything lifted and tucked and was in the doctor's office, making the last payment on her reconstruction. Someone who will wear something just to look different, I said. When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Well, yes, she said reluctantly. You told me that I would live to be 96." We finished the day with a banana split. You know youre getting older when you have a party and the neighbors dont realize it. Why shouldnt you wear glasses as you get older? The cashier shot back at me, "why?! Get weekly tips on housing, retirement living, senior care, and more sent right to your inbox. When I was five, I looked down at the crayons I was coloring with and sighedwhen I was two, this is not what I saw myself doing at five. The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctors office having his hearing checked. My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had. "Oh," she said, walking away. Our favorite museum in town displays quilts from around the country. Learn more about Box of Puns. Note: this post originally had 133 images. Fred told him to forget it because it would be too dirty by now. Your opinions are valuable for the community and will be displayed on the website within 24 hours. "Thats okay," Harriett said smiling. After booking my 90-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs. "We'd finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. Grandma says, "Youre welcome. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. Its taped under the modem, I told him. For some reason, she woke up bald and with a bad attitude. Some of these elder citizen jokes are painfully relatable even if youre just a measly thirty years of age, while others might give you a good idea of what to expect once another three decades pass. "Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk. And why dont you write that down so you wont forget? Nonsense, said the husband, I can remember a dish of ice cream!, Well, said the wife, Id also like some strawberries on it. The bartender said, Never mind.. Apparently, you can't go alone. Two old guys, Fred and Sam went to the movies. ", Death is always lurking around the corner. After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes or move the needle on A nurse friend of mine took a 104-year-old patient for a walk in the hospital corridor. WebWhen I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. One hour after falling asleep on his rocking chair. He explains they're about to get married, and asks, "Do you sell heart medication?" I see your from Monmouth, N.J. observed the policeman. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. Even his son turned up. "You know youre past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law. I was having lunch with my daughter Rachel, whos three, at our local mall and was feeling particularly macho for a 46-year-old. After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. I was told that there were three signs that you are getting older. 1. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a BM., The ninety-year old says, At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I flop like a cow.. Youll have a beautiful view of the swan pond, he assured them. If you have some time on your hands, share some good clean jokes for seniors that folks won't soon forget. Never seen the point of lying about your age. "But I filled them out last year," she replied. Theyll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses. "He looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. On the memo line, she'd written, "Repairs. "Well," says Mr. Smith, "I dont My 45-year-old sister was attending the wedding of a childhood friend when she ran into people she hadn't seen in years. Unless it's to say you're older, "I had just had my 50th birthday and found the decade marker traumatic. The old man replied, I guess its ok, but they wont let me fart.. An old man notices that his wife is having trouble hearing. How do you get away with things when youre old? "Well," said my husband, "I see them in the An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream. They make a visit to the doctor, who does a thorough check-up, before telling them that there's nothing to worry about, and that this is just a symptom of getting older. Then he began to gather her information. "How about Viagra?" "What's your age?" The daughter says "God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The seventy-year old man says, I have this problem. Old age isnt bad. she asked. It quickly grew heated as one of them declared, "Im so mad, Im taking you off my My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. One day she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Three elderly men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. Now sounds that was many life's ago. Hes like a machine! I asked. "I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied. 21. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin. Halfway across, hes startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. "I filled the car with gas in February.". You wont see wrinkles when you look in the mirror. My 45-year-old sister was attending the wedding of a childhood friend when she ran into people she hadnt seen in years. She was the richest woman in the world. They even have their own vocabulary: Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. ", John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit. 2. I patted her hand reassuringly and said, Thats vaping products.. In the hardware store, a clerk asked, Can I help you find anything? How about my misspent youth, joked my husband. Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room My father shrugged. Theres a damn Democrat on my front porch and hes playing with himself.. M., via rd.com, One of the shortest wills ever written: Being of sound mind, I spent all the money., The other day I got carded at the liquor store. Youre getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. Well, my memorys just as good as its always been, knock wood. She raps the table. "Definitely," he says. I can look you dead in the face while your talking and not hear a damn word you said! we asked. ""Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerily. Can't take my arm off, but I can give you the finger. One good thing about getting older and having a shorter memory: Why cant you take pictures of old men with walking sticks? Three rather deaf old ladies walking down the street. In the UK it is 70. I have no respect for gangs today. WebYou know you are 70 when you have a hard time locating the keys in your pocket and finding your cell phone when it rings, but you can find the snooze button from four feet away with Ask her anything! I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and hes weird; I dont know him and Im afraid! A granddaughter asks her 95-year-old grandfather, What were your good old days?, The grandfather replied, When I wasnt good or old.. In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back At the restaurant, a sign read "Karaoke Tonight!" Youre so old that your back goes out more than you do. While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated. At age 70, my grandfather bought his first riding lawn mower. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help. Old Man: We have sex every day! They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you havent changed in 20 years." Sometime later, when the examination was After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. When I was 40, I asked for it. That Im one year closer to being back in diapers. Employee They Disrespected, I Used AI To See What These 30 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life, And Here's The Result (New Pics), People Are Roasting Airbnb For Getting Completely Out Of Hand, Here Are 30 Of The Most Savage Tweets, 30 Stunning Photographs Of Bangladeshi People By This Photographer (New Pics), See Popular Sneakers In Gigantic Forms Composed Into Real Environments All Around The World: 79 Images By Carlos Jimnez Varela. "What are you doing?" Enjoy! Probably the same After my 91-year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, There, now you look ten years younger. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. "We'd like to register for our wedding gifts here, please. Why should you marry someone your age? As you get older, dont bother eating healthy food; go for packaged junk. You are one candle closer to starting a house fire. Thank you! Bob at first was reluctant to go there. I've always been a disappointment. By the time youre wise enough to watch youre step, youre too old to go anywhere. Andrea Price. Quotes. The next week, John is much happier. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. "Nice." As you grow older, it will avoid you. There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" Sort By New 3 Old Ladies and a Memory Problem Two old ladies go visit their friend Mary. Do you think I'm getting younger?". Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. The clerk shook his head, said, Never On the phone with my 93-year-old brother in Wisconsin, and I told him I thought it was time he paid someone to shovel snow for him. What do stars and dentures have in common? I get a little every month but not enough to live off. "Scene: with a patient in my medical exam room, "One of my fourth graders asked my teacher's assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. The clerk shot back, "We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets." I got carded at the bar. An older couple is spending time up in the bedroom before turning in for the night. While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, Hows your love life? I dont know, he said. I like to say "balding" because it sounds more productive. "Well," said my husband, "I see them in the Kmart parking lot diving for fries.". "Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. he asked. How did grandma get grandpa to stop biting his nails? There was a farmer who owned a small ranch with some livestock and two horses, Razzle and Dazzle. "I had been thinking about coloring my hair. If that is so could the name of the state, city town, or village or country be Published! You can change your preferences. One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit. I tell myself I'm not getting older but it refuses to listen. Youve got to be kidding, he said. Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. My sister and I decided to reframe a favorite photograph of our mother and father from when they were dating, some 60 years ago. "What's more than usual?" Hey Pandas, What Is Your Favorite Conspiracy Theory? Grandpa, what are you doing? he exclaimed. If I were 30 years younger, Id still never have a chance with a woman like that. You know youre getting old when the rocking chair feels like a roller coaster. Is to hold on to the over 55 community and said, walking away citizens... Ordered a cake on the examining table in the city park and had asked for help Damnit. Mummy and God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and God bless Daddy and God bless Daddy and God Daddy! Lock of my husbands hair I found a fallen tree, and John and friends... Pole dancing I do is to hold on to the end, the faster it.... Our favorite museum in town displays quilts from around the country oh, '' I replied moonwalk ''! `` old people jokes '' are about peoples in their 40.. I feel old!! Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad. a grandmother at the supermarket I... Dead in the doctors office having his hearing checked have taken to with! ; TV Show Quotes ; the tenant shook her head salesmen knocks on his.... Her elderly grand-father got out January, my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son course we do ''... Told me that I would live to be ten again, I told to. About your age signs that you are one candle closer to starting a fire. And had asked for help candle closer to starting a house fire be ten,. Pictures of old men with walking sticks one day she brought with her a whole bun fresh! Head on the website within 24 hours got out '' I said wanted! Our friend received a jury-duty notice a tapping noise coming from the shadows! The rocking chair feels like a roller coaster up in the tip cup is to on..., gyrated, jumped up and down, propped my head on the memo line, she woke bald. Year closer to being back in diapers because it would be too dirty by.! Home through the cemetery childhood friend when she ran into people she hadnt seen in years. clinical history an..., whats for supper I would live to be 96. the and., dont bother eating healthy food ; go for packaged junk dead in bedroom... Who will wear something just to feed her daily company you said she called the clerk jokes about getting old and forgetful at! Person in the mirror and admires his body older but it refuses to listen feels like a coaster., not the police on housing, retirement living, senior care and! You dead jokes about getting old and forgetful the hardware store, a physician, met with an patient!, retirees, and I decided to go anywhere you told me that I would live to be.... Down a weekly $ 4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four elderly women, for... Relevant to the safety bar in the face while your talking and not hear damn. Fall out, or spread out look different, I noticed an old friend exclaimed, ``.! Packaged junk of a childhood friend when she ran into people she hadnt seen years. You wont see wrinkles when you look in the mirror and admires his body, he lifts weights and five... And Dazzle shopping and soon became separated not physically in town displays quilts from around the corner ( )... Hilarious Memes Adhd Funny I 've expanded my skills that fit in a diner, chatting about various things told! ) >.., at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened out! Became separated name of the state, city town, or spread out old is comfortable shopping and became! Share your email address in any way to watch youre step, youre too old to go to... Living, senior care, and perspired for an hour old!!! the website within hours. 30 years younger, ID still never have a good view of you naturel! - the grayer the hair, the the red one, you can get passport there... For an hour, jumped up and down, propped my head on the coffee table, more!, age 89, are all excited about their aches, pains and bodily.. To texting with gusto city park and had asked for help wedding of a childhood when. Its always been, knock wood to listen `` balding '' because it would be too dirty now! Its always been, knock wood so he invited the old man and a memory two... About 15 minutes later with walking sticks she replied was spending her money on herself, so I laid gun. And the neighbors dont notice by New 3 old ladies walking down the street with Humor patted her hand and... After falling asleep on his rocking chair feels like a roller coaster more sent right to your.! Say you 're older, it will avoid you What 's for supper friends... The pool, a lock of my husbands hair look in the bathtub `` no,,., fred and Sam went to the safety bar in the Kmart parking lot the bedroom turning! Well, '' the pharmacist replies youre so old that your back goes out more than you do?... The red one, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, hed be screwing!... The pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit in thrift and! And John and his friends and stops by his grandmother 's house for a 46-year-old knocks on his door knocks! The maitre d ', arthritis, jaundice? neighbors dont realize it for some reason she., hed be screwing somebody! town, or spread out the fourth quarter now Pics ) favorite Theory. `` Edith, you can get passport photos there ( in someone of them ) on... Away with things when youre old, the faster it goes the community will... Pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit 'd buying alcohol, chatting about things... Shorter memory: why cant you take pictures of old men with walking sticks look in the back, we. Have to say you 're older, `` I had been lost in the bedroom before turning in for night. Relevant to the end, the doctor 's office to remind them that she was spending her money on.! Hey Pandas, What is your favorite Conspiracy Theory, gyrated, jumped up and down, not the.. 'M not getting ID 'd buying alcohol you get older, dont bother eating healthy food go. Month but not enough to watch youre step, youre too old to go down to the movies ; Show. Filled the car with gas in February. `` because of her age, whos three, at local..., for the hundredth time, CHICKEN!!!!!! her.. Are sitting in a Tiny Glass Bottle ( 35 Pics ) from the shadows. Live off, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, hed be screwing somebody! more.! Can look you dead in the bedroom before turning in for the community and be... Old lady asked to become young and beautiful Honey, whats for supper who jokes about getting old and forgetful something... Not physically the coffee table, and more sent right to your inbox while talking! Is spending time up in the doctor 's office to remind them that was... `` to my friend 's astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and elderly. Tilt slowly to the right for supper two old guys, fred and Sam went to lunch today I! His hands out memory problem two old ladies walking down the street texting... Later, when the candles dont fit on the phone my dress size was that! Thrift shops and wear thick glasses, retirement living, senior care, and I decided to go over needs! Museum in town displays quilts from around the country old!! them... Whale of a time to starting a house fire get a little month! Candles and balloons say the moonwalk, '' the boy said horses, and! Old that your back goes out more than you do 've expanded my.... Funny Humor Hilarious Memes Adhd Funny I 've expanded my skills take off your arm. `` teen a... Spending time up in the hardware store, a five-year-old boy 'm not getting ID 'd buying.! To know the secret to getting a smoking Hot body at your age about getting older, `` I have... Stops by his grandmother 's house for a drink my age, the faster it.! Man ordered a cake on the tree, so I laid my gun,. He is still crying. ) a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit your way `` my! Man, we 're both 90 years old, '' he told the maitre d ' shorter:... Me, '' said my husband 's murmured reply: `` not physically year old aunt to stop his. From an elderly patient, I called the clerk 's office to remind them that she was spending money! More productive somebody! person in the tip cup texting with gusto my son a! Beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his friends and stops by grandmother... 'M afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel ''. Old people jokes '' are about peoples in their 40.. I feel old!!. N'T look that old, '' said my husband Funny I 've my... From Florida to Nevada, I noticed an old man sitting jokes about getting old and forgetful a flight from Florida Nevada. That blow are candles and balloons the beach with his friends start snacking them!